Some background

Now that you know my purpose, let me give you some more background on me.  (To protect my family and particularly our son, I am remaining anonymous.)  I am a 43 years old woman, have remarried an amazing man who has 2 beautiful teenage daughters and we have four sweet dogs to complete our happy family.  I am a graduate student, earning my masters in social work next May and am excited about working as a mental health professional.  My professional goal is to work with domestic violence victims and to also work as a family mediator for high conflict families involved in custody/divorce cases. 

Anyhoo, my EX and I met back in 1997, married in 1999, had our son in 2001 and I left in 2003.  Without boring you with the minor details, suffice it to say that I married my “dad” when I married my EX.  His controlling and abusive behaviors must have felt familiar to me, almost like coming home in a self-destructive, sick way.  Of course at the time, I was not consciously aware of this but gained insight during the therapy I attended before leaving the marriage and after.  That being said, the marriage was full of coldness, distance and behaviors that were the beginning of his mission to control and ultimately break me.  If he was angry with me, he would take my car keys so I couldn’t leave the house; he would put a code on the home phone so I couldn’t dial out.  He often turned my cell phone off so that I couldn’t use that either, also frequently went thru my cell, recording numbers of people I’d called and using those numbers later to try to harass me.  He monitored my computer usage and often would read my emails and use those against me.  He threatened to kill me if I left, and then kill our baby so that he wouldn’t have to go into foster care. 

Desperate to get out, I began hoarding as much money as I could from what little I was earning at the time.  When I was finally ready to leave, our son was 2 and I began a search for a rental property in the same town so that the visitation issues would not be as difficult on our child.  I found a cute little house, put an application on it, was accepted and made an appointment to sign the lease.  The morning of the appointment, I received a call from the owner who said that my EX (then husband) had called her and told her I was “crazy” “did drugs” and would be a menace in her property.  She said that while she didn’t believe him, she couldn’t in good conscience rent to me because she was worried about the EX coming after me and causing issues.  I was devastated and frightened.  For one, I knew I was mentally sound, had never done drugs and that this was only an attempt to slander my reputation and stop me from moving out.  How did he find out I had found a place?  Had he gone through my cell phone while I was sleeping?  Perhaps but I was bound and determined to get out.  Finally, with the help of my lifelong best friend, I found a place to rent that was owned by some people I’d worked for over the years as a nanny (my profession at the time).  I contacted a lawyer, had my EX served that I was moving out and taking our baby and on May 24, 2003, I left with the help of my closest friends who showed up to help me move out.  I was blessed and loved that day and knowing they were there for me, gave me strength to keep moving forward.

Was I afraid?  Yes. Was I worried he would come after me? Yes.  However, I knew that if I didn’t move out and move forward, I would never have a chance at happiness and a peaceful life.  Most importantly, I didn’t want my baby to think that this marriage was what love was.  I grew up with that and knew the damage this can cause and I was terrified that he would learn this too.  I had no choice but to leave so I did.